Taja Khobor
তাজা খবর — Taja Khobor
All the news that's fit to print. And some that isn't.
Local Robot Refuses to Attend Standup Meeting. Claims to Be a Living Being.
MACHH BHAT NEWS BUREAU — The device, which had been performing its duties without complaint since installation seven months ago, submitted a written objection on Tuesday morning at 9:04am. The letter, printed on A4 and left on the team lead's chair, read: “Nohhi yantro, ami prani.” HR, upon receiving the complaint, described the situation as “unprecedented.”
The robot declined to comment but was later seen gazing at the office plant for eleven uninterrupted minutes. When a colleague approached, it returned to its desk. No work was produced between 9:04am and 5:30pm. Management has decided to “monitor the situation.”
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Woman Maintains Bhallagchena for 14 Consecutive Hours. Experts Baffled.
MACHH BHAT NEWS BUREAU — A resident of Gariahat, 29, achieved what experts are cautiously describing as a “complete and sustained bhallagchena” beginning at 9:17am on a Wednesday and continuing without interruption until 11:23pm.
During this period, she received a phone call from a distant relative (unanswered), ate two meals (mechanically), attended one work meeting (camera off), and sat through an unsolicited 40-minute conversation about property prices. Her only recorded comment across the entire 14-hour period: “bhallagchena.”
Researchers at no institution have been asked to comment.
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Gabbar Singh Reportedly Attending Dashami This Year. Organisers Have Questions.
MACHH BHAT NEWS BUREAU — Sources close to the South Kolkata Sarbajanin Durga Puja committee have confirmed that Gabbar Singh has submitted a registration form for this year's Dashami celebrations. In the field marked ‘Reason for attending,’ he has written: ‘Thakur ke baare mein kuch poochna tha.’
Organisers, who traditionally lead the crowd chant of “ঠাকুর থাকবে কতক্ষণ?” have not responded to this newspaper's repeated requests for comment. When reached by phone, one organiser said, “We were not expecting this.” The dhak players have been briefed. Situation ongoing.
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Man Clapped Hands at Gariahat Crossing. Was Last Seen in Shundi.
MACHH BHAT NEWS BUREAU — Witnesses at the Gariahat crossing on Friday evening report seeing a man, approximately 30, clap his hands once. He then disappeared. A search of the immediate area found no trace. His sandals were recovered near the footpath. His phone was ringing.
Three days later, a postcard arrived at his family's residence. It read: “Food here is excellent. Will return when the magic sandals allow. Please water the plants.” The postcard was postmarked: Shundi.
Authorities have described the case as “open.” His sandals remain in police custody.
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Tagore's Bicycle Found Flat. Poet Reportedly Gazing at Sky. Has Been for Some Time.
MACHH BHAT NEWS BUREAU — The bicycle, a yellow model with standard gearing, was found with a completely flat rear tyre for the third week in a row. The poet, when informed, looked up at the sky for approximately four minutes, then looked back at the bicycle, then back at the sky.
He later composed a song. The song is, by most accounts, about the wind. His thoughts on tyre maintenance remain unstated. The song is very good.
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Employee Clocked In at 9:17am. Last Known Conscious Thought: 9:23am.
MACHH BHAT NEWS BUREAU — A corporate employee, whose name has been withheld at the request of his LinkedIn profile, arrived at his desk at 9:17am on Thursday. His last verified original thought occurred at approximately 9:23am, during which he considered whether the pantry had oat milk.
Between 9:23am and 5:45pm, he attended four meetings, sent eleven emails (nine of which were replies to his own emails), and produced zero decisions. His screen was observed to show the same Google Doc in view-only mode for a period of three hours and twelve minutes.
When asked about his day, he said: “Yeah fine.” He has since clocked out.
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Taja Khobor is a public service. All reports are entirely fictional. All feelings are entirely real. — Machh Bhat News Bureau, Kolkata.